I've been experiencing a build-up of frustration, restlessness, exhaustion, and sadness. It's been bubbling, festering, but always compressed under a film of "It's all good, life's good, I'm choosing gratitude right now."
I'm realizing that as much as I can talk and teach about the importance of gratitude and our power to choose moment to moment how we perceive any given situation, there's another aspect of healing that must come first. It's equally important to acknowledge and accept where you're at no matter how you're feeling, first. The power to exact change cannot exist without first accepting the moment for what it is. I wrote a little about that a while back. So you're feeling angry? Seeing red, seething, anger. Okay. You'd rather not feel this way, but you can't move to the other side of it without acknowledging how angry you feel first. It sounds very obvious, right? But so many of us equate lower vibrational emotions or feelings as bad and therefore we either deny or don't give full credit to their existence in our being.
That seething anger? Psst... it's just energy, in the end. You don't have to think of it as negative or positive, just think of it as an energy needing to move through your energetic and physical bodies. Give it an open path- meaning, don't suppress, and it'll be on its way.
It's perfectly okay to not always be full of smiles. It's okay to feel anger, sadness, grief, and frustration. In fact, not only is it okay, but it's essential to feel it all the way through if you desire to move past it and onward. In fact, if you suppress or deny these emotions, you create blocks and patterns which will call you back to re-create these same experiences over and over until you've learned to let them move through. These karmic imprints and patterns we so wish to release so that we might move forward, they do hold within them so much wisdom. We can tap into that wisdom and let the rest move on through.
As for me? I've experienced patterns around harsh body image issues for much of this life (I wouldn't hesitate to say that it likely stems from past-life patterns). While I, Laura, at my core, recognize the almost-unreal and utter beauty of the physical body and all that it is capable of, my ego desires a deep sense of control over precisely what I look like and how my body is perceived by others.
I will loudly and vehemently speak of a human's right to be respected and embraced however their body looks. Our bodies are vehicles- temples- for our Soul's purpose of growth and being the Light that we are. We come in all shapes and sizes, and no size is better than another. I'm comfortable allowing others to be as they are in that sense, my respect and love know no boundaries when it comes to the shells we wear.
And yet, there is this compulsion within me to control, control, control my vehicle. I know, surrender and flow, right?
I'm currently pregnant with my third child. I view pregnancy in general as this awe-inspiring, deeply transformative period of time. I could write post after post on the magnificence of the creation and growth of life, the gorgeousness of a soul choosing to incarnate again- choosing to bring more Light to this planet.
Pregnancy does a number on your body. It's a spell-binding, honourable, privilege of a number to go through. I say this knowing beloved souls who have either experienced pregnancy loss, or who have never been able to become pregnant in this life. I also say this after experiencing my own road of fertility struggles between baby #1 and baby #2. I am not blind to the fact that I am SO LUCKY to be able to carry, nurture, and grow a third child within my body.
I am also not blind to the incredible importance and responsibility placed before me to surrender up these patterns I carry around my own body image- for the sake of myself and all of my babies. Patterns are far-reaching and we carry not only our own karmic patterns, but those of our ancestors as well.
And so, under this New Moon in Leo- the one which calls us to examine our self-esteem and find courage in embracing all of our aspects- our shadows and light, I let myself be with all of it. The seemingly ugly, the seemingly bad. Knowledge and acceptance doesn't have to feel or look good, either, it's just a necessary step in the process.
Choosing gratitude- at the same time- is a possibility, too! I choose to be grateful for these emotions and feelings. I'm grateful that I am here, now, to experience them because it means I have the opportunity to glean the wisdom they bring. It means I am alive here today. I'm grateful for yet another opportunity to release my compulsive need to control that which cannot be controlled, and I surrender to the grace and power of pregnancy.
But first things first, I acknowledge that I am frustrated, restless, exhausted, and sad. And that that's okay.
In gratitude for your presence.