Time for (Virtual) Tea: Numb to the Good Stuff
I had an interesting experience this morning.
I was drinking my coffee, more or less silently watching my kids and their antics. The older two were loving up the baby, kissing her face and singing to her while she sat happily drooling and chewing on her toy.
It was, in one word, adorable. Endearing.
Generally, all three of them get along very well, and my partner and I are forever talking about how grateful we are for that at this stage in their developments. There's nearly five years between the older two, so the fact that they play so well together is pretty beautiful.
So this morning, as I watched them, I was hit suddenly with the realization that I wasn't overcome with a feeling of the warm and fuzzies.
How did I feel?
I... didn't. I wasn't aware of feeling anything.
In fact, there was a distinct absence of any emotion.
I watched them playing. I knew it was adorable. I knew there were so many reasons to be rocked by gratitude, love, joy, and general happiness. And yet, I was feeling none of these.
This realization lead me to feel a little uncomfortable. Generally, I am someone who feels deeply. I'm someone who is sensitive to emotions and energies. So why, I wondered, was I feeling rather apathetic and numb?
Rather than falling into guilt or shame, and rather than assuming I was "wrong" to feel (or not feel) the way I was feeling, I continued to sit quietly.
I allowed myself to be. Gave myself permission to just be where I was at, while silently asking my Guides for some insight.
To hear the voice of the Divine within, to hear our Guides, to hear our heart, we have to still ourselves inwardly. And I think that is so key. Oftentimes, when we want advice or guidance on something, we go searching out into the world for it. We immediately go after others' opinions.
We make ourselves wrong, and so we don't trust that the answer can actually be found by listening to that inner compass.
Sitting quietly, allowing the Universal Truths within me to bubble up, I heard the words of Brene Brown: "Foreboding joy."
This morning, watching my kids play, listening to their adorable chipmunk chatter, witnessing their pure love for one another, I felt nothing because I was "foreboding joy." I was numbing myself to feeling pure happiness, pure gratitude. I was blocking out the possibility of just being there with them and feeling what it brought up.
It felt safer to feel nothing than feel 100% joy. Joy, my Ego said, can be shattered at a moment's notice. Why feel happy when that can be taken away?
I realized that I do this a lot in my life. It's not that I don't feel intense feelings of gratitude or happiness. I do. But I do my fair share of numbing-out, too.
I'm off to spend the rest of my weekend with my family, reminding myself that these moments of bliss are precious and it is a choice for me to feel safe experiencing them. If I remind myself that there is only this moment, then it feels easier to feel the joy rather than project into the future.
Wishing you vulnerable moments of raw Love and Joy.
Your turn: Have you ever had the experience of "foreboding joy"? Do you believe what Brene Brown says: "Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience"?