Things Your Younger Self Has Been Needing to Say
I was scared.
I was suddenly aware of my body and the way with which it made me separate from everyone around me. Until then, I'd felt the connection, the warmth, the union. But self-consciousness brought a level of loneliness and isolation.
I was confused.
I just wanted to be appreciated. Acknowledged. Told I was doing alright. That I am alright.
I wanted to hear that I was enough.
I was aching to be held.
I felt loved. But only if I was careful with my words.
I felt loved. But only if I was careful with my emotions.
I was worried I felt too much.
I was scared about being too much to handle. Too much work.
I was juggling everyone else- their energy, their emotions, their needs, their reactions. Measuring, calculating, hands out, always on alert.
I thought I was invisible.
I thought I wasn't invisible enough.
I assumed that all I needed to be was "cute."
I resented needing to be cute.
I worried about not being cute enough.
I worried about not being small enough.
I worried about being too loud.
I know I was brash and loud. I had to thrash out against being told to "get a hold" of myself. Truth is, I couldn't if I tried, even if I wanted to.
My know-it-all-ness has always been a defence mechanism. Don't get too close, because I don't need you anyhow.
I worried about being needy.
I felt terrified to make a move.
I was always afraid of something.
I never stopped loving.