Trust and Answers: how surrender plays its part
Today's is a quick and dirty post, written in the depths of sleeplessness and emotional rawness. Seems to be a theme of mine lately, right?
So. As I write this, my two year old is in a children's hospital for the second time in a few months. The first time was very shortly after her baby sister was born.
I tread lightly as I make the following confessions. I have a very hard time trusting medical doctors. I have a very knee-jerk reaction to being in hospitals, to sitting in a doctor's office, to discussing healthcare with anyone wearing the traditional white-coat-with-a-stethascope.
It's not that I don't believe that hospitals and medical doctors have their place in society. Please, believe me when I say that I am grateful for the hard work and sacrifices made by these professionals. I am thankful to know that if my family is in an emergency situation, there is a place to go and professionals who are trained to deal with the problem. If I am in over my head, it's good to have someone who can help. Besides, I have family members who work or have worked in the system. I know them to be loving people who act out of love.
But this doesn't change the fact that I question everything. I seem to have a very automatic way of being that has me doubt the medicalized route when there might be a more natural approach. As much as I know logically that most doctors are individuals who mean well, this voice of doubt within me pops up on the defence every single time I have to have a discussion involving health care choices.
Part of my fear, part of my distrust, part of my discomfort certainly has to do with stories I've told myself. It has to do with a strong desire to control an outcome, to control the suffering of those I love. And with that desire to control, the wish to have someone be responsible when things are not going down the way I'd have them be.
Another part of my distrust and fear has to do with a strong desire to protect my autonomy and my intuitive knowing as a mother. I may not have all of the answers, I may not have been to medical school, but no one knows my babies better than I do. And no one has a more strongly innate desire to protect them. It's as if my Ego assumes that my knowing is under attack and my back is up before I've even openly given the medical community its chance to speak. I automatically see through the lens of the experiences I have had in the past where my intuition was put into question.
I also see through the lens or stories where, even with the best of intentions, the medical system seemingly failed the ones I love.
I believe in informed choice as opposed to informed consent. This means that I desire to be empowered. Lay out the options before me, assume that I am capable of good judgement, talk with me about the risks and benefits of each potential choice. Let's work together as a team, rather than an old-school hierarchal system in which I am automatically placed in a position of weakness because I don't always know the medical lingo. (By the way, don't assume I haven't read up on the medical lingo, either. I am a voracious reader).
I wish to surrender my patterns of fear, distrust, and blame. But I also wish to be respected and treated in a non-patronizing way.
And, now that I have confessed my patterns and biases, I need to flip this piece right on its head.
The real reason why I was impulsed to write was in the name of healing. In the name of full surrender.
I've had the topic of "depression" pop up quite a bit lately. At first, I brushed it off as being coincidental. (Ha! Right?! Nothing, my friends, is coincidental. No experience, as Oprah says, is wasted. If we are willing to explore and stay open). So, now, it seems I'm meant to do some digging and channeling and writing.
I've alluded a little to my experience with depression in the past, but I've resisted any full disclosures. I suppose it's a wounding not yet fully processed on my part. And there's still a lot of shame and fear there. Seems that Spirit thinks the time has come, so stay tuned for some more on that in the very near future.
What I was impulsed to say, in light of my recent hospital experiences, and in full acknowledgement of my patterns and what I wish to manifest moving forward, is this:
It's okay to not have all of the answers. It doesn't make you any weaker. It doesn't make you any less worthy of healing, of finding peace and answers. It doesn't make you any less worthy of love.
It doesn't mean that you'll never have the answers.
If you're depressed, know that you don't have to know why right now. And you don't have to know how to go about healing it all right now. You don't have to have all of the answers right now. In fact, not having all of the answers is the very invitation to go forth and seek the help you deserve. It's the invitation to gather the team needed to embrace you, empower you, and present you with the options and choices you deserve to make in the name of your holistic healing of body, mind, and soul.
You're worthy of surrendering to the love of those around you.
Wishing you sweet surrender and trust to the bigger picture,