Hi there, Shitty Teacher of the Year coming to you live from my current seat of anxiety and self-loathing.
So here's how I am going to preface this little article of obvious brilliant optimism: I'm not feeling so connected to my whole self these days. In the Kundalini yoga tradition, we might say "my Sat Nam."
I'm not feeling so driven by my Sat Nam.
She's there. There's no way she can't be, she is who we all are, at our core. Which is to say that it never goes away-- it is the same as the Sun. Ever-shining, if not momentarily obliterated by dark clouds. Or crushing anxiety and heavy thoughts.
The work is to commit daily- or breath to breath, some days- to polishing away that which obstructs the radiance of the Sat Nam, all while acknowledging that life here is about embracing the dark and the light.
I do my work. Like a committed, overzealous soldier. Sometimes with little patience and compassion for the fearful shadows that are in the way. When this happens, I have a habit of disappearing from this online space, as a teacher, as a writer, as a channel... hell, as a human being.
The shadow of perfectionism decides that my words aren't worth the screen. My anxiety declares that I cannot be an effective teacher if I haven't figured my shit out beforehand, so as to present a persona that is expert at always living joyously and with great wisdom and happiness.
Fuck it. (I can swear because it's my website. Also, head's up, I sometimes swear. I know it's not ladylike or classy, and I know it's not really palatable. But if I am being authentic, it's how I roll. My greatest goal with my language is to endeavour to not drop F-Bombs in front of my young, impressionable children. I am mostly successful at this, so far. I also endeavour to not swear at folks. I really am always successful at this, so far).
One of my Core Desired Feelings is Truthful. So if mama's gonna be Truthful, I'mma pledge here and now to speak and write only truths from this heart.
I'm feeling anxious and mildly depressed these days. And it feels like a relief to type that out here, because it means there are no areas in my life which I have to repress or deny it.
If we can just say where we are at, we're off to an honest start. Nothing was ever healed by ignoring the pain.
I'll be over here with my Anxiety and Darkness, with the intention of accepting their presence as teachers. I'd offer them some coffee, but I've a feeling Anxiety doesn't need any more of that.
PS Though I may not have all of this sorted, I do know that breath always helps. Life force, oxygen, lowered blood pressure, vagus nerve and parasympathetic nervous system ALL activated by slow, deep breath. With that said, check out this practice if you're working through some stuff, too. We've got this, my friend. May the Long Time Sun Shine Upon You and the Sat Nam be with you.