Your Only Job is to Show Up
We really complicate life. Like, Sweet Jesus, do we ever.
We complicate it with expectations- of ourselves, of others, of how we think something should unfold or the way it should go. And when the expectations aren't met, we're convinced that life is shit and we'e bad and unworthy of unhappiness.
The more I deepen into meditation (also- what a loaded word, "Meditation,") the more I am coming to realize that it's just the Ego that complicates it all.
And the Ego is like this armour we've been wearing for almost as long as we can remember.
One moment, we're a kid. We're free, playing, imagining, dreaming, limitless. Then, something happens and we decide we're not safe to continue to be that way. So we put a helmet on, just in case. Then another thing happens. And another. And every time, we tell ourselves a story about it, decide we're unworthy of being seen as we are. Each story brings another layer of armour.
By adulthood, the armour is so damn clunky and heavy, but we're accustomed to it. We don't even see it for the awkward and loud stuff that it is, we think it's us.
I've developed an understanding today. I say "today," because I don't know what I'll think tomorrow. That's sort of the beautiful thing about all of this meditative work. Each moment, each day, becomes its own. I'm free to learn and evolve and change my understandings. Thank goddess for that.
So here is today's understanding: it's not even really my job to rip off all of the armour. At least not all at once. To be clear, I want freedom. I'm sweating under this ancient and stinky stuff. It's like living in hockey equipment. (I mean, I think it is, I've never actually worn hockey equipment).
To force anything in life is to come from the same thing that put the armour on in the first place. It's to come from Fear. Which is why the armour can't just be flung off in one fell swoop.
My only job is to acknowledge that the armour exists. That I feel it, that I see it, that I know it is there. And then be with that. If I go into any stories about being wrong for putting the armour on, or for not taking it off sooner, for losing out on opportunity because of having it on, well, I sit with that too. I sit with whatever comes up with that armour on.
By acknowledging the armour, I'm acknowledging that I'm not it and it is not me. I'm identifying is as something that I am wearing, not something that I am.
My job today is to be here, in whatever armour I happen to be wearing, as is. It is to be here in the armour with all of my feelings and judgements and stories, bearing witness. I bear witness to the pieces that I thought were me, but aren't.
I am the space the armour, stories, and feelings find themselves in for today. And that is enough.